#2 “Tune up!” or how to silence your loved ones without (physical) violence (no guaranty how emotionally violent this can be)

Sometimes I feel my throat becoming sore when I am in a heated exchange with either boy of my life. A if I were in a concert of Metallica or something.I am sipping my cup of tea with delight. In my bed, enjoying silence and peace. Babylove sleeps and Love went out watching football (sport #1 in every German heart).

This is because I’ve discovered the superpower of listening to music while instead arguing with the latter and scolding the first. It feels so great and peaceful now.

Love and quarrels – win or die (who’s the weirdo who invented the win-win concept again?)

For a few weeks now, we know that we are moving from Germany to Singapore. Love just signed the contract and everything is happening even faster than expected. In 3 weeks, he’ll be gone.

I mean, he’ll fly to Singap to start working (that’s in his contract) and looking for flats (maybe, I forgot to make him sign a deal with me).

As you can imagine, darling, there is a stress bubble around us. And between us.

Money money money – always funny

Firstly due to our budget issues, mainly caused by my non existent income. Not that I want it this way, but companies in Germany seem not to hire women in their early thirties with a toddler and a non trustworthy frenchy German (though I do my best to minimize the accent, I swear). We certainly do not surf on money, and to crown everything, I have a student loan that…

More or less how I used to keep my money together and for what purpose. Oh, and there is food also.

|just a short parenthesis here. I feel kind of ashamed now and I am not sure I want to go on.
Let me tell you a bit more about me. You probably got so far that I am not big on responsibilities. Money is one of the complicated concept I used to avoid. I was never really into what happens with money. I knew that we need it to do this or that, but I put all my thoughts and focus on the end result, not on the means to get it. When I met Love, I had to change it. He was horrified with my naivety (I prefer this word to the one he actually used, it’s less offending). I was horrified with his materialism until I realized that he could do more of this and that. But it’s a hard and long process to change 26 years of treating money with disdain. Okay, 10 years maybe. However, I am on it. Hand on heart.|

… I am not sure if it’s paid off or not. I realized it some days ago, when I visited for the first time in 8 months my French bank account. I expected being down the money hole, but no. And there had been no movements for a while. Can it be that I am free already? Don’t you judge! There can always come much worse.

That's me now. Much serious-er. Meow.

Why being organized is better than nutella

Of course, with a relocation comes a lot of organization and administration. I crawled the webs already and fed myself with nutella bread and all information you can humanly digest on the matter (tax, moving, childcare hunting, housing, insurances terminating and contracting, banking, fooding, jet-lagging, clothing, regulations checking (so many in SG – and I thought Germany was restrictive to my creativity), health, jobbing, visaing, getting married weighting…)

I love lists. That's true. They keep my life easy.

While this pic is totally on the point, it’s kind of useless. But I read somewhere that especially long posts should have nice useless pics to give a break to the reader.

Then I made a list. A long list. Lists are good. They are clear and show you the way. And help you assign tasks. And while the nutella stayed on my stomach, the list relaxed my brain and my shoulders.

There it comes: Germany vs France conflict

My list did relax me, but not the people around me. When, all proud of myself, I showed it to him, he went all: “Task assignment? I work – you deal with the relocation” (and everything that comes with, of course). Then I looked down on my list again and felt the tiger taking over my brain and my body.

Yeah, totally me when I get angry.

Love saw it and before I had the time to say “I want to punch you in the throat” he added very loudly: “That’s just fair. I pay for everything, I work long hours, I am dealing now with 2 teams, and it’s already a lot of pressure. You don’t even know if you paid your credit or not, this is horrible pressure on my side because of you. You’re so French.” Then I snapped.

I hate loudness, it blocks me. I can’t visualize or hear my thoughts and thus articulate my next actions – loudness paralyzes me. Imagine: me on the pedestrian crossing, one of my closest friends calling me on the phone, unfortunately she’s as well one of the loudest people on the planet… Yeah, that’s right, you got it. I never answer the phone anymore if I am not inside and sitting somewhere. Quite hard to reach me these past few years but drivers in my town are safer.

I hate arguing, it’s loud. And gets louder. I turn from paralyzed to very emotional. I lose control, and losing control is losing. Ain’t argument’s aim to win? No? Ah. Oops.
I have tried many solutions offered by very renowned websites on communication, but nothing ever worked out. With every argument I would still turn into an angry crazy red hot chili me.

Until last time. When I snapped. Weirdly, this happened at the same time my laptop decided to start the YouTube video I was trying to load for 6 minutes. This little tune instantly caught my ear (I really love this song) and I forgot what I was about to shout. Therefore Love had more time to take his breath and speak on. I confess, I did not really listen to everything he said. A bit boring especially when I kind of already know what he wants to express. I went back to sitting on the couch, turned the volume slightly up, and smoothed up. And then suddenly, everything was normal again. I did listen to some of what he had to say, and realized that he needed to get stuff out of his system and that was not only related to me. And I did agree with some of the things related to me. Wow, for the first time, I did not fight back, I listened. To music yes, and to his feelings too. That was a weird experience, I felt almost out of my body or so.

We both won.

Don't you start me on who's yin and who's yang ;)

Peacefully yours,
Jess

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