I was listening to Gwen Stefani and suddenly had an epiphany. I needed change. Now I have just started this blog and this feels amazing. Change is happening in my life! Seriously, going through the very brain-tiring 4 steps of WordPress.com was hard but rewarding. Now you’re frowning: “Hard!? Are you brain-damaged, Jess?” Yes, hard. Because at almost every step, I had to pause and question myself. I hate to pause and question, especially myself.
I do things or I don’t. Most of the time, when I am on a do-mode, I do A LOT. I need to. Because I know that from the moment something complicated occurs, I go back from my body into my head, and I start to weight and think and delay. No kidding.
As it happens, although many many many things happen in my life these past
weeks months years, I am bored. I am bored to death. Maybe not so, but close. Nothing makes me laugh. I smile a lot, and I am a happy positive person in general. But I feel so old and cynical and closed.
I truly believe that only boring people are bored. Hence I am boring. Hence I asked myself: “Why are you bor
eding, Jess?” and the honest answer came not at all like a surprise. I knew why I am bor eding. Because I don’t do enough. I mean, I do a lot, but not enough of what really takes me out of my comfort zone. When the opportunity to do something truly crazy (for me) comes, I never seize it anymore…entirely. I start, pause and then I THINK. And then I am bored because it may be new, but not different.
However this time, my do-self ran the race against my think-self and won. Both are pretty strong though, so I am quite happy they do not compete all the time. The last time was when I did not think too long to decide to keep Babylove. A responsibility. Woooh… complicated. Still, I jumped with wide opened eyes to be horrified and enjoy. Each and every step has been a short struggle, and I got through.
- The name.
This is very difficult for me to take any responsibility of any kind. That much pressure, it’s like – this time my doctor told me that I was with child, and I realized that the name of the baby would shape his life. What kind of child would this little guy grow to be if he was called let’s say Alphonse? Absolutely horrible to a French ear IMHO, and that would make me an already absolutely horrible mother before even starting to mother!
And what kind of a mother would I want to be?
- The design.
Another layer of blogging I did expect but was not ready for. It’s all about the perception. How do I want the people to read me? What do I want them to understand about me, beyond the words I write?
Well I am not sure. I am not sure at all about what I am up to here, to be completely frank with you guys!
- Paying or not paying…
Well that was a quick one! I have no coal as they say in Germany (where I live now), no money, no cash… I ain’t got nothing but I got life (I love this song by Nina Simone). So I just can’t afford now to invest money on my public diary. Who knows, maybe later?
- I don’t remember this one. Babylove just interrupted my precious thoughts with one of his delectable why-questions – he used to be so cute and now he’s like a crazy policeman who wants to know your darkest secrets. See?
There it is: my public diary. About change and me. Mostly about me though. And that’s so weird and great. I am quite the secretive person, I do not lie but I do not tell. Now comes change again and I open up. Another baby?
Hm, at l(e)ast: a project.